2) I really struggled thinking about this post. I know what I want to say, but I'm not sure how much detail I should divulge. In the end, I chose to be careful while also sharing what I'm thinking, because this really only involves me. So, that makes sense, right??
I was recently invited to a party. Now I am not a party person, dear reader - I do not number myself among the 'party people' so often invoked among the youth. I whole-heartedly prefer an evening with seven-eight good friends having a good time than going to hang out among thirty screaming college kids, only four or five of which I know. I'd have to be really drinking heavily to enjoy that kind of thing, and that sort of alcohol is expensive. I'm not made of money.
Now I'm sure my invitation is more-or-less a formality; people know I'm not a partying type, despite how entertaining and fun-to-be-around I am virtually all the time. Am I a big hit at parties? Always. But I've also grown out of that phase, and I no longer have to be at a party to be the center of a group's attention. I'm a MOBILE party! So I said maybe, as I usually do - because I really do think about it - and that was that. Leaning towards probably not going, I'm sure I'll be busy that night, but hey, never say never, right?
Then I checked back, and (as this is Facebook and on Facebook everything is always everywhere), I found that someone I really do not want to see in-person - certainly not in a party environment - is going. You know what that means? That means I'm definitely not going. That means I actually can't go.
And in the long run that's fine, because it's unlikely I would have attended anyway. But I'm angry. I'm angry at this person, for no real reason - I can't expect people to stop having doing things because I don't like them to - and I'm angry at myself. Not for choosing not to go because of it; I think that's a fine choice, and I would stand by it regardless of any other factors. No, I'm angry with myself because I still got upset over it, and thus I didn't have a choice. Or don't have a choice, I should say. My hand is forced; and even though if I had no emotional reaction to this situation, and was making decisions completely clearheaded, I would choose the same course of action, it's still not okay; the absence of choice still really bothers me. I don't want to be around this person, particularly not there, and that's an objective decision; my emotional response is "no no no no no not good don't no no way uh-uh nope," and that is not.
And atop everything else, I feel angry that I'm still getting even somewhat worked up, because I thought all the feelings were gone and away (thank God). It's been a really peaceful and anxiety-free week or two, and what a relief that has been after the past few months. I guess it takes a little longer for those ghosts to completely fade away, which is frustrating. Where's my self-neuralizer? Plz, MIB, plz.
I know how it is. Certain folks, especially ones to which we have some sort of emotional attachment (even if we believe it latent or dead) can bring out emotions viscerally to the point we'd like to believe that nobody can or should be able to. Even now, years after the fact, I don't particularly like discussing my ex. That life is behind me; it's done and in the past and there's no use revisiting it. But so often it seems to crop up, and just for a second, I think about her, and I hate her all over again and then it's done. Conversely, there's a woman who occupies my thoughts frequently, even now, years after I last saw and spoke to her. I still love her. I've never stopped loving her, even though she's now married and moved away and she's one of the only people with whom I've ever thought I might be truly happy if I hadn't married the woman I did. Still, she occupies my thoughts and I often wonder what it might have been like if I'd fought a little harder to stay together instead of folding so easily? I think of how hard I fought to keep a destructive relationship together and how easily I let happiness slip through my fingers with another, and it's a whirlwind of emotion all at once, just thinking about that little event. Weird feelings indeed, mate.
ReplyDeletepretty non sequitur for someone who likes concerts to hate parties they're basically the same thing
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