Sometimes you get Weird Feelings (Part 2/2)

2) I really struggled thinking about this post. I know what I want to say, but I'm not sure how much detail I should divulge. In the end, I chose to be careful while also sharing what I'm thinking, because this really only involves me. So, that makes sense, right??

I was recently invited to a party. Now I am not a party person, dear reader - I do not number myself among the 'party people' so often invoked among the youth. I whole-heartedly prefer an evening with seven-eight good friends having a good time than going to hang out among thirty screaming college kids, only four or five of which I know. I'd have to be really drinking heavily to enjoy that kind of thing, and that sort of alcohol is expensive. I'm not made of money.

Now I'm sure my invitation is more-or-less a formality; people know I'm not a partying type, despite how entertaining and fun-to-be-around I am virtually all the time. Am I a big hit at parties? Always. But I've also grown out of that phase, and I no longer have to be at a party to be the center of a group's attention. I'm a MOBILE party! So I said maybe, as I usually do - because I really do think about it - and that was that. Leaning towards probably not going, I'm sure I'll be busy that night, but hey, never say never, right?

Then I checked back, and (as this is Facebook and on Facebook everything is always everywhere), I found that someone I really do not want to see in-person - certainly not in a party environment - is going. You know what that means? That means I'm definitely not going. That means I actually can't go.

And in the long run that's fine, because it's unlikely I would have attended anyway. But I'm angry. I'm angry at this person, for no real reason - I can't expect people to stop having doing things because I don't like them to - and I'm angry at myself. Not for choosing not to go because of it; I think that's a fine choice, and I would stand by it regardless of any other factors. No, I'm angry with myself because I still got upset over it, and thus I didn't have a choice. Or don't have a choice, I should say. My hand is forced; and even though if I had no emotional reaction to this situation, and was making decisions completely clearheaded, I would choose the same course of action, it's still not okay; the absence of choice still really bothers me. I don't want to be around this person, particularly not there, and that's an objective decision; my emotional response is "no no no no no not good don't no no way uh-uh nope," and that is not.

And atop everything else, I feel angry that I'm still getting even somewhat worked up, because I thought all the feelings were gone and away (thank God). It's been a really peaceful and anxiety-free week or two, and what a relief that has been after the past few months. I guess it takes a little longer for those ghosts to completely fade away, which is frustrating. Where's my self-neuralizer? Plz, MIB, plz.

Sometimes you get Weird Feelings (Part 1/2)

I have a lot of more interesting, less angsty posts coming down the pipe, but for some reason this came out first. I only thought it up a few minutes ago, but here I go. I guess there's something involving the immediacy of complicated emotions and a need to express them in some cathartic way which prevents me from procrastinating on more visceral posts like this. If only I could harness that power for some good...

Anyway, I actually have two different topics today. Each can be their own post, so that's what I'll do! I gotta get mileage out of my issues somehow, and this is the way I'm doin' it.

So, two recent events which made me feel.... weird:

1) A friend of mine told me some news the other day, about something which was somewhere in the vicinity of casual sex. Very minor, for all that, and something that I'm sure most everyone in college has done.  And yet, my first reaction was... I still can't quite put my finger on it. There was some anger, and a little bit of disgust, and maybe a hint of sadness. All of these little pieces formed one big ball of some new, confusing emotional state, and it really threw me for a loop. I was trying to dissect it and, though I identified some of the component parts, it remained mostly a mystery - like trying to identify an alien metal (this happens in every superhero/sci-fi story everywhen). In the end I identified the feeling as discomfort, but being uncomfortable without knowing the reason why is a confusing and frustrating experience.

So I've been trying to figure out why, exactly, this news bothered me so much, when in reality it was precisely nothing - a blip on the radar, a cloud passing high overhead. I was having a tough time, so I reached out to one or two trusted friends - specifically the v. helpful Kim - to try and work through what exactly my problem was with this unproblematic news. And I think I got it! I think; there's really no way to know for sure, because our brains are all liars, but I think this is the reason:

I tend to be friends with a certain Type of person. We all have our Types that we naturally gravitate to, of course, and I am acquaintances with a lot of different Types of people. But real friends - the people we don't just get along with because we're placed together, but seek out even when we're not together - tend to be Types like me. And that's just the way things are.

Now, if you accept that assertion, it goes to follow that the opposite would be true: people wholly unlike those friendship Types are the kinds of people I'd rather not spend my free time with. Prrreeeetty easy, right? Except there's that whole middle area, where people are like A Type in some ways and B Type in others.

My friend (Steven) is like me in a lot of ways. And though we've hung out in-person on several occasions, we mostly talk online these days (it being summer). When talking about common interests, or daily events, or whatever, it's easy to fall into a comfortable rhythm. However, while I greatly enjoy Steven's company, I know that he is also another Type, one that I treat with indifference but find wholly perplexing. It's moments like this - when I hear some (slight) excitement about a brief and casual encounter - which remind me oh, hey, that's right, we're different. I don't really understand that side of him, and so when it crops up suddenly like that, it can be a bit jarring. It's like learning your best friend since preschool is a robot: in the end he's still your friend, and that part of him that's a robot is completely separate from your interactions 99% of the time. But sometimes he'll talk about having to go plug himself in or eat aluminum foil, and in that moment the reality you've convinced yourself of - that he's a guy just like you - is stripped away.

I think that's the source of my discomfort. I don't have a problem with that side of Steve, I really don't. I'm just not used to interacting with friends who do have that side, and when I'm reminded of it in casual conversation it's like missing a step. You trip a little bit, and regain your balance after a second, but it was still a scary moment. You're walking along and suddenly - "that's right, I'm mortal, I could really hurt myself here - okay I'm back on track I'm invincible *phew*." It's an unpleasant feeling. It yanks you back to reality, and reality is not a place you want to spend much time. It's a hint of his similarity to people I don't really enjoy spending time with, and that causes a bit of negative feedback, even though I've made peace with it the best I can.

Do you ever have those moments when you're talking to people? When they'll make a comment or do something and you're reminded of just how different you are from each other?

A (very) brief explanation

To those of you wondering where my last update is: I took it down. I'd like to think I convey a certain sense of frankness and objectivity on this blog - at least as much as I can while being an emotional disaster - and that won't change, I assure you. I will not censor myself or avoid talking about difficult topics, because that's what this blog is here for.

However, there's also a case to be made for respect and accommodation. And while it may not be reciprocated, I shouldn't use that as an excuse. I do not withdraw anything I said in the previous update, and can only state once more that it was simply my own take on a series of events, one which I was finding particularly vexing at the time.

Look forward to more updates soon!

What to write about now??

Hello there, gentle reader.

I've been remiss in my updates for a while, which is something I told myself I'd try to avoid with this blog. This is for a few reasons:

1) I've been less miserable of late. I'm finally starting to put the past in the past and not let it bother me anymore. Notice I said starting to; I'm not even close to being back in my usual tip-top (?) shape, but I've come a long way from the beginning of summer, and that has made such a difference I can't rightly put it into words. Which means that, the fewer emotions (primarily negative) that I have about X, Y, or Z, the less I'll feel the drive to use this blog as an outlet.

2) I've very nearly run out of 'general' things to say about my situation. At any given point there comes a time where, in order to really dig into something, you have to stop making large extrapolations from hidden data and start to discuss the data itself. Which is far too personal for this blog. At least, it is for now; I'm sure there will come a day (fairly soon) where no Party will care/be concerned with what I write wherever I write it. Even were names and situations changed, I worry that maybe... well, we'll see. There's some possibility there, if I keep it encoded enough. Stay tuned.

I was going to try to continue on longer with this list, but the more I think about it, the more I wonder - why not? Why not just go into some stuff, if it's bothering me and/or I've learned something from the experience? With names changed to protect the innocent it seems like that would be a no-brainer. I really don't believe I have to worry about anyone I mention seeing my writings, and this is a place where I'm supposed to be able to drop the act and cough up some Truth.

So yes, I have now made up my mind. I'll get into a little more of the specifics that have been worming their way through my cortex lately, and assure myself that this will not lead to any sort of dialog, accidental, angry, or otherwise.

This update has been more of an update about updates, gentle reader, hasn't it? Yet fear not, for I shall soon return with tales and puzzles of a most curious nature for your reading pleasure. And maybe more real honest-to-god writing one of these days.

Look to the skies a day hence....

I've covered blogs, you know...

So I guess... I guess I should just say one or two things. Right?

This isn't my first blog, though hopefully it will be my last. I'd like to step away from all the bullshit - the Facebook posts and tweets and tumblr updates and all the other incessantly updated apps and sites which make me so crazy - and create something a little more serious, maybe a little more substantial. It's why I've put my name right up there. Which is scary, because I come from a time where there was no accountability on the internet. I won't deny that anonymity can be dangerous, as people tend to become animals when they cannot be held responsible, but it's also very important for those who may only feel comfortable being themselves when there's a shield between their online identity and their physical identity.

Oh jeez, look at that. This is turning into a treatise, which is not what I wanted. The point is that I wanted a place where I could put some more serious stuff, whether that be rough drafts of stories or things that I'm working on or even just a brief word picture of the daily hellscape that is my life. A place blessedly free of re-tweets and Likes. A place that I might not be completely ashamed of tying directly to myself, without the shroud of an alias.

I've been thinking a lot about - well, about a lot, recently. There's been some major upsets in my life that have caused me to really sit back and... I don't know how to end that without using a cliche. Examine, I suppose. I don't want to say everything, because that's being quite dramatic, but enough to put me into a bit of a spiral. There's something there about emotions, and... I guess that's for another post, actually.

I hope to keep this updated. I really do. Normally I find it very difficult to consistently update any kind of social media on a regular basis, because I simply don't have that much going on. Right now, though, I feel like there are a lot of things going on in my life. Or at least, a lot of thoughts, which are almost as good as tangible events if you're looking for fodder for a crummy little blog like this one. And, for better or worse, I can see that state of affairs continuing for at least the near future.

I'm not going to get sappy or overly-emotional; this is not going to be a lightening rod for drama, or a constant bitch-fest about the poison misery which drops into my eyes every day. This blog should be a little more professional, and maybe even thought-provoking - or hate-provoking? I don't know. Hopefully it will be entertaining in some small way. We'll see.

At the very least I can always throw part of a work-in-progress up.